Why do you never show up when I need you most?” I say to myself before I fall asleep. I slowly close my eyes “Amen” as I succumb to my heavy eyelids. *Boom* *Boom* *Boom* Hearing fireworks that sound miles and miles away only to realize they are right outside of my apartment. I quickly open my eyes and groan. I toss and turn speaking profanities in my mind about why fireworks were invented in the first place. As soon as I am about to fall asleep, *BZZZ* *BZZZ* my obnoxious alarm goes off. I let out another groan followed by a loud sigh. I reach out and begin frantically searching for my phone. Eventually finding it and turning off the alarm.
“Another day” I begin to tell myself not knowing about what He has in store for me later that evening. I slowly get out of bed and begin my daily morning routine. I can not stop thinking about how wasteful my time has been here. I suddenly find myself in a very scary place. I have left out the most important part of why I am here. Spreading seeds. Letting my anger and depression take over the way I am living my life. As I sit in my room and begin to think about the last four months I feel a sense of hatred for leaving everything behind. I didn’t even complete college…I thought to myself. I have nothing. I am not good enough. I do not belong here. I can’t speak the native language here. I am worthless.
Slowly slumping into this dark place I found myself in for most of my life. Dreading every waking moment that I have left in this place. I eventually drown myself in music and decide to play a game. About an hour or so, I decide to study a little bit. I open up my notebook and begin to look over my notes from past classes. I decide to move to the living room after the Internet goes out. FINE. I move myself and begin reading out loud. Suddenly one of my roommates comes out of his room and sits on the couch across from me. I begin to help teach him some of the words I was studying.
But, something else happens. He starts a conversation about a problem I was facing and we talk it out. Then it turns from that problem to about how I am feeling. I cautiously say how I am feeling and he encourages me. Totally God’s work. I feel much better after that encounter and continue my day. Later that evening we had plans to hang out with one of my friends I made earlier in the year. We watch a Todd White movie that not only shakes me it shakes my friend as well. Long story short, he accepts Christ and begins a relationship with Him. I was shocked. He not only voiced his opinion about not wanting anything to do with this to accepting three months later. I go home that night feeling silly. He was working even when I felt like a failure. Not only was I wrong about myself, I was wrong about Him. Feeling loved I went to bed that night feeling empowered. “I can wait for you to show up again” I said that night. It was totally worth it.
Slowly slumping into this dark place I found myself in for most of my life. Dreading every waking moment that I have left in this place. I eventually drown myself in music and decide to play a game. About an hour or so, I decide to study a little bit. I open up my notebook and begin to look over my notes from past classes. I decide to move to the living room after the Internet goes out. FINE. I move myself and begin reading out loud. Suddenly one of my roommates comes out of his room and sits on the couch across from me. I begin to help teach him some of the words I was studying. But, something else happens. He starts a conversation about a problem I was facing and we talk it out. Then it turns from that problem to about how I am feeling. I cautiously say how I am feeling and he encourages me. Totally Dad’s work. I feel much better after that encounter and continue my day. Later that evening we had plans to hang out with one of my friends I made earlier in the year. We watch a Todd White movie that not only shakes me it shakes my friend as well. Long story short, he accepts and begins a relationship. I was shocked. He not only voiced his opinion about not wanting anything to do with this, to accepting three months later. I go home that night feeling silly. He was working even when I felt like a failure. Not only was I wrong about myself, I was wrong about Him. Feeling loved I went to bed that night feeling empowered. “I can wait for you to show up again” I said that night. It was totally worth it.